Dire prospects

Inasmuch as our topic is about “forecasting” and that some of you probably know that I am an “astrologer-by-hobby” equally intrigued by Tongue-in-anew’s predictions for 2010, I also consulted my used crystal ball which I purchased through bidding (I was the only bidder)from e-bay and here’s what i saw for the next decade to occur:

Pluto felt insulted when he learned that he was relegated to a mere asteroid by Earthlings will take the opportunity of the planetary alignment in 2012 to gain enough strenght an exact revenge on Earth. At 9:57 a.m. December 21, 2012 (Pluto Time) it will accelerate its rotation speed to about 2,500 times. That speed will derail Pluto’s normal planetary axis and will head full speed towards Earth;

On December 22, 2012 (World End’s per Mayan Calendar) at about 7:45 p.m. the Earth’s radar will detect the oncoming “asteroid”. Consequently, the Integrated Galactic Mutual Defense System (IGMDS) which is an international association of nations founded by Al Gore for the mutual defense of the earth against asteroids will launch an attack. By 10:45 Pope Samuel II, (Head of the Catholics) Rabbi Eliezar (Head of Jadaism) and Sultan Sulaiman (Head of Muslims) will simultaneously press the 3 Red Buttons (only one is real) and all the corresponding missiles of nation members’ armed with nuclear warheads will launch towards the common target. The Philipine’s missile will flop after an altitude of about 11,355 feet and heads back towards the earth and hit an all white-building housing all political prisoners in Camp Kalatsutsi in an island somewhere in Palawan. In that building are former “president” Arroyo and family, 197 2006 congressmen and families and other civilians found guilty of corruptions and other high crimes. No survivor even when the warhead was actually a dynamite only. It turned out that instead of a nuclear warhead, the “scientists” commissioned by Arroyo (despite opposition by majority of Filipinos) during her adminsitration pocketed the one billion of the two billion pesos budget and divided it among themselves. So, instead of the nuclear warhead that’s supposed to be purchased from North Korea, they put a kiloton of dymanite and due to heavy load the missile fizzles.

3) The firepower of the IGMDS did not deter Pluto and in about 3 seconds will directly hit the Earth. At 1/2000 millisecond before impact, God appeared and commanded Pluto to change course. Pluto obeyed but it’s bit late already and hit the Middle East obliterating the always-cause-of- war Israel and neighboring states like Palestine, Syria, Iran, Iraq, etc. At that moment, the President of North Korea, China, Cuba, and rouge African states were in Iran forging an alliance for a Third World War.

It turned out that this is not the first time Pluto made such a recalcitrant move. About 65 million years ago Pluto was still Earth’s neighbor. On a quarrel over orbit’s right of way he made similar adventure and hit the Earth. The impact killed the all the dinasaurs. However, God did not punish him to the fullest and instead only vanished Pluto to a place far far away from the Earth and removed his right to possess own orbit. The reason for the light penalty is because Pulto’s killing of the dinasaurs is a blessing in disguise to cover up an experiment gone wrong. Turned out that when God created the animals on the fifth day (5 billion years to man) He was already very very tired and instead of ordinary animals He indavertently created monsters weighing kilotons that shakes the earth when they walk around. He discovered the mistake but since they are his creation He cannot kill them by himself. (That’s why do not conduct an experiment when you are not in the mode or very tired because even God made a mistake)

The impact caused the Earth to rotate in reverse motion. Consequently, it also changed the fate and destiny of the Earth’s denizens. The poor became rich and the former rich are now the ordinary laborers, nannies, drivers, cigarette vendors, balut vendors, taho vendors, etc. and worst prostitutes.

So, a piece of advice: if you are rich you should be smart and start the giving away your wealth now. You will win the heart of the people and be regarded as their hero and idol now. By 2012 you are already poor but will be rich again forever in an instant. Doble kabig di ba? Think about it!!!